There’s a strange contradiction at the heart of being human.

We’re mammals; biologically designed to live among other humans, and especially humans we trust and love.

Our nervous systems regulate one another’s. We become calmer in the presence of people we feel safe with. Babies need to be held and loved, or they “fail to thrive” (aka, ‘die’). 💔

And yet...

We’ve created a society in which other people are our worst source of danger.

Not necessarily physical danger, although obviously sometimes that too!

It can be in the form of judgement, rejection, and exclusion. Ah, we have so many forms of punishment for the disobedient and the unfortunate. Losing your job, status, your home. Losing love and connection. Being replaced, or being thought less of. It’s all so very… conditional. This human condition.

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Hierarchies have become central to our way of life.

The conditioning starts very early. We’re already rich or poor, Black or white, male or female. Children are put into environments where they’re compared, graded, ranked and separated according to performance. One child being “ahead” means another must be “behind”. One gets the prize; twenty-nine don’t. 🏆

We talk endlessly about our young ones needing to learn how to socialise, while placing them inside extraordinarily artificial (and hierarchical) social environments where they have almost no control over who they’re with, where they go, what they do, when they can leave… or what sort of contact they have with one another.

And parenting is saturated with similar stuff. Don’t pick them up too much, don’t spoil them, don’t let them become dependent. Don’t comfort them if they’re scared at night. Let them cry. Make them “independent”…

As though dependence is some kind of developmental failure, rather than a basic condition of being human.

And then we wonder why so many of us don’t feel safe. Um. 🤔

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We humans obviously need one another!

And yet we’re organised in ways that make us competitors. We’re forced into the position of envying those above us, competing with those on our level, and kicking down on those below us (they’re the scapegoats – and our boot can land with a satisfying thud, since we can reach them).

The underlying message is always the same, whether in education, work, family, war or love: your loss is my gain – and vice versa. 🎲

The message we’re taught is: there’s only a limited supply of everything. Not just money or time, but love and attention too. Connection.

A lot of the scarcity is artificial, as (though don’t try telling this to a capitalist) there are so many things that increase the more you give them away. The more you love your puppy, the more their love grows and comes back to you. The more you’re attentive to your tomato plant’s needs, the greater harvest you get, plus seeds for next year.

The more bridges you build toward others, nature, and the universe, the more they/it can reach you, too. 🌌

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But back to human society.

There’s a big difference between community and networks (institutionally mediated connection). Networks include things like work, school, sports, etc. Basically, there are so many ways you can be surrounded by people and have no real social fabric at all.

You can have colleagues, followers, clients, acquaintances, neighbours...

… and yet still have no one you can depend on. Who really knows you and loves you, and who’d put your well-being above what they want and expect from you. And if anyone were really like that (putting others people’s well-being first, I mean) they’d likely collapse within a week… the collective ache and need out there being so very similar to a howling tornado. 🌪️

But no. If you’re lonely, you should join a rowing club. If you’re going nuts, you should take up yoga.

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Aristotle’s distinction between the 3 different kinds of friendship is useful here, I reckon (even though he was rather misogynistic, poor love – but that was standard for his time, and he did have some great ideas).

1. Where you want something from someone
   (i.e. it’s transactional. They have a use for you and/or vice versa) 💰
2. Where they make you feel a certain way that you like
   (I think we very often confuse this one with love) 🪞
3. Where you want their well-being above what you want out of them 💗

That last one is totally different from the others.

Not, “what can you give me?”
Nor, “how do you make me feel?”
But just simply: “I want you to be well.”

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I suspect we have an absolute dearth of that third kind of friendship.
Of love. The true kind.

A huge amount of our social world is transactional, even when we don’t call it that. And when we have a use for someone, (research shows) empathy can switch off astonishingly quickly. They become more of a role to you than a person. ⚙️

Which is why things like the nuclear family can be such a perfect setup for bitterness and loneliness.

Being needed is not the same thing as being loved.

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So going back to our nervous systems...

We’re a type of animal designed specifically to find safety in others of our kind. We’re not polar bears. Or alligators.

But yet we’ve built our social structures and norms in a way where humans aren’t safe together; to each other. Each of us is simply not safe to be around.

We’re being made to function on fear, not love.

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In effect, we’re in a total Catch-22!

We’re not safe without people. But we’re not safe with them either.

This way, danger. That way, danger. ⬅️➡️
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

The number of humans living in this grey hinterland of doubt and paradox must be frankly astronomical. Longing for connection… moving towards it. Getting hurt… moving away again. Becoming desperately lonely… trying again. Getting hurt again.

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And then...

Enter autistic people. ♾️

Autistic people are very often described as lacking social motivation, or failing to connect in the “normal” way.

But autistic people do attach, often intensely. To animals, places, particular objects, music, nature, our creative work, or interests that can become whole worlds!
🐾 / 🎶 / 🌿

And yes, to other people too – in special circumstances and not necessarily in socially prescribed ways.

Unlike humans, you see… animals, plants, objects, and code don’t suddenly decide they don’t like you, and judge you. Or gossip about you. They don’t unexpectedly withdraw their regard because you broke some invisible rule you didn’t know existed.

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I’m actually even wondering whether there could be any intergenerational element to all this too…

If, over generations, reaching towards other humans gets indelibly associated with pain and danger – well, could it make quite a lot of sense to gradually stop doing that?

In any case, perhaps autistic ways of relating aren’t a failure to attach at all. Maybe our attachment is just seeking somewhere a bit safer.

💗

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Photo credit Panda Mery.